Chapters

It's been almost an entire year since I last blogged and let's be real- I don't have the time to give you a detailed 10 month recap and you don't have the attention span to read it. So here's the short version:

1.  I moved to Texas in August.
2.  I got a job teaching on the weekends and working in retail during the week- they all of sudden "weren't hiring."
3.  So I got a different job in retail- they lied to me about my pay/benefits.
4.  So I didn't work for about 3 weeks- I thought I was going to die.
5.  So I got a job leasing apartments- that was really fun, until I realized I was working 60 hours a week and my boss was an ass (the majority of the time).
6.  My car was vandalized- like severely. Every panel was keyed, scribbled on almost. "NOT A PARKING SPOT" was in the hood of my car.
7.  *SAME WEEK* Brooklyn's stomach valves shut off on both ends so she wasn't able to breath or go to the bathroom, so it expanded 4x what it should be, and almost ruptured.
8. Just to name a few...

I have told this series of events to many people... too many people. I realized there is so much more to my story than what I am telling.

This chapter of my life- my self- is coming to a close. The next one: Allowing myself to find the good in the bad and the opportunities in the obstacles.

Let the fun begin.

today

crushed.
offended
pissed.
went for a run.
exhausted.
out of shape.
pissed.

Bloodstream

"I think I might have inhaled you. I can feel you behind my eyes. You've gotten into my bloodstream. I can feel you flowing in me." 

Can you imagine feeling this way about someone?







I can. 
:)

Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened...

Bullshit.

You can smile because it happened all you want, but if you don't cry it's going to kill you.

I cry. A lot. About EVERYTHING. The likeness of you seeing me cry is rare(unless I'm laughing), but realistically, I'm always crying about something. It makes you feel better, no matter what you're crying about. It could be from laughing incredibly hard or reminiscing about favorite past times- maybe from heart ache, frustration, or stress. So when it comes along, I embrace it. Every one needs a good, solid cry now and then- and I mean the "fall to your knees, my life is over, where are the Kleenex, shit I'm out, I'll use a dirty shirt" cry. In a way, it's freeing.

So, for all you assholes walking around "smiling because it happened," cut that shit out. You are making me look bad so wipe that grin off your face and get to crying.

Jess :)

Time

Look at the clock. Sit in one place, breath, and relax for one minute. Watch the clock as you do this so you know exactly when your minute is over.



Time: Many understand it to be minutes and seconds- a hand on a clock, ticking away with each breath we take. Sometimes people say things like, "It's only a matter of time before I die," or "It's only a matter of time before something else happens" and so on. Henry David Thoreau said "You cannot kill time without injuring eternity" so I prefer to think of time not only as seconds and minutes, but also as a series of events that hold endless opportunities.

When I was first received my diagnoses, all I could think about was when I would have my next seizure. "It's only a matter of time..." I would avoid doing certain things because of it. I went from living an extremely hectic and almost sleepless lifestyle to one that had me working 10-12 hours per week, in bed my 9pm and up by seven. I started living my life by the minutes, by the wrong concept of time.

Yes, it is only a matter of seconds, minutes, days, preferably years before we die. But I would much rather think of it in terms of "only a matter of get togethers, inside jokes, weddings, birthday parties, and awards shows (you are all invited to the Oscars when I am nominated)." Think of the minute you spent before you read this. You watched as a minute passed, a minute of your life with which you did absolutely nothing. What could you have done with that minute? Now I realize I am the reason you spent that precious minute and you've now spent x amount of your day reading this. Thank you for making this one of your life's events and I hope it has impacted you in some way. If not, thank you for listening regardless.

We are allotted 24 hours in a day, eight of which we should sleep in order to stay healthy. So, for the remaining two-thirds of your day, the 16 hours or in my opinion, infinite events that could occur, what will you do?

Just Breathe

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read this. I haven't written anything in a while. Many things have come to mind but I've had some trouble figuring out how to put it all into words.

Before we start, take a second and just breathe.  We do this all day, every day without thought. Now take a moment and imagine not being able to "just breathe." Imagine being told "you're body doesn't breathe correctly," and feeling like breathing is a chore, like on some days if you are able to breathe without thought, it's more of a luxury than a natural habit. 

My actor's lab instructor at NYCDA, Ms. Ruth Nerken insisted that there was no such thing as "just." You never just sat. There was always a specific way you were sitting- legs crossed, indian style, feet flat on the floor, etc. She did her very best to try and break us of being "just" actors. Acting is about the details because life is about the details. If we are going to convince an audience, we must first convince ourselves and when something is happening, it is never "just" happening. It is always happening in a very specific way. For example, breathing. 

Let's try again. Breathe. Observe what is happening to you. Notice if your shoulders rise or stomach expands;  if your lips are open or pursed together. Are you breathing quickly or taking long, heavy breaths? 

No matter how you are doing it, you aren't just breathing. Each time your lungs are naturally filled up with air you are being allowed another moment to live, another moment to love and enjoy life. Don't take a single breath for granted.

I hope that you will embrace the day (I guess the evening, rather) with the mentality that nothing is "just." 

Reasons Why Epilepsy Is A Positive Thing

#1
I won't have to wait in line at amusement parks.
#2
There are a TON of scholarships I can apply for.
#3
My medication will help with weight loss.
#4
If I need to blend something, I can just start seizing (Dad came up with this one).
#5
I can get a handicapped sticker on my car... if they let me drive.
#6
It's easier to brush my teeth.